You would think this would have been my first blogging but it took me awhile to get my thoughts and words together. Sometimes circumstances will give you a little push.... and recently I got a SHOVE! There is nothing that can jolt an old memory or experience, then seeing someone else living through it themselves.
Guilt can be an ugly thing. Especially when its not yours to carry. Throughout life I've learned many lessons. Some of the hardest over the very recent years of my life. Ever ask yourself "What did I do wrong?"..."Could I have changed the outcome?"..."Why do I feel this crappy if it wasn't even my fault? Was it my fault?!?" I've asked myself those questions many times over for many different reasons. They all usually have the same relative answer...NO.
Life can be unfair at times. Even so painful you'd wish it wouldn't go on. It's been a long time coming and up until very recently, I've learned to let go of all guilt I was carrying. Guilt I shouldn't have carried in the first place. Ya, you hear people tell you all the time..."There was nothing you could do..." or "You did everything right." Tell you what, they can repeat it till they're blue in the face. Until YOU believe it yourself, nothing will change. And until you change your thoughts, life for the most part is well, crappy. Nothing but negative thoughts and reliving the painful past. There are many reasons we carry guilt. Perhaps we hurt someone, and it's easier to just live with the guilt then to say "I'm sorry." Sometimes the hurt that may have been caused to someone else was truly innocent. Maybe feelings or words spoken from your heart, from your own hurt. We can never control the thoughts, feelings or response of others. Truth is, we often don't like to hear the truth. Especially painful ones. No one ever wants to know or be told they've caused another pain. Another that they love. The reality is, if you didn't love them in the first place, then you wouldn't have been hurt. There would be no feeling and in that, no words ever spoken. So why is it, when we do speak from love, good or bad news, the result is often worse then the feelings? Why is it when we share something with the closest of people it often turns bad and then your left with the weight of guilt? Why is it one would ever feel guilty for the reaction that came from another? I thought when we speak from truth, honesty and love the outcome would often be better. I've learned that often isn't the case. The ones that can cause the most hurt are those you love most. We've all heard that before. Can we really hold anger and hatred towards someone we "love" if all they simply did was share where they are at in that moment, how they are feeling and maybe what they are really needing? Sometimes "I'm sorry" isn't enough. Sometimes "I'm sorry" wasn't even needed in the first place. Sometimes they just need you there, no words, no response, just there. Knowing the people you love are there when you need them most, if often all that is needed.
I'm not one to "open up." I'm not one to show emotion. I often suppress my feelings, bad I know. It's a work in progress. (This blog is helping,lol) I find myself overly trusting and usually giving the benefit of the doubt. Doesn't always work in my favor, lol. When I do speak, I do speak in honesty and when something does come out it is usually quite profound and leaves the person on the opposite end in beehovement. Though not my goal, it happens all too often. And though they may be words of wisdom, a reality check or sometimes words of my own hurt, I think people are caught off guard. It doesn't always go bad. It has strengthened relationships and others dissolved. Why is it we find happiness in those strengthened but then carry guilt for those relationships that may not have made it through? It's a heavy guilt to carry.
Why is it when things don't go in our favor, how we planned or the way we want, we blame God first, those around us and/or then ourselves? It a little over a year ago our baby boy went home to Jesus house. There isn't enough room on this entire blog site to list the questions my husband and I had while all that was going on. There was one though that stuck in my head. Over and over and over. "Was it me?"..."Was there something I could have done wrong?"...and the worst of them all, "Why couldn't my body do what it was supposed to do!?!" I cannot tell you how MANY times I heard time and again from family, friends and the doctors, "It was nothing you did wrong Kellie." Funny is they start prepping you before you even ask. I'm sure anyone who has gone through the loss of a child totally knows what I'm speaking of. Your the mom, the protector, the one who was supposed to perfectly grow this little person in you and take care of them until they arrive. My baby boy Jake arrived 8 weeks early. And for the 2 1/2 months he was here, I asked myself that question ALL the time! I carried the guilt of everything he went through. And when doctors still couldn't answer the simple question of "WHY or WHAT went wrong?!?"...well...it was very easy to blame myself. I can't put into words what that kind of guilt will do to you physically and emotionally. It was rough. VERY rough. I am so thankful for the friends and family I had around me. I am glad that I have the Lord in my life, cause I DO NOT know how anyone could go through a pain like that without Him. It IS what kept my husband and I from completely losing it and each other in our own pain. The domino effect that guilt can carry into your life is not anything I'd want to see someone else live. Yes, I was SO happy to know my baby boy was healed and running around in Heaven. That his pain was GONE! :)
What happened next was my guilt turned to fear. "Could I even have another baby?" "Should I have another one?" "OMG! What if I became pregnant again, and my body wasn't capable of doing what it should again....." Oh the thoughts that will run through your head if you allow them to. Let me tell you, if you ask HE will respond! Unplanned and unexpected I became pregnant 4 months after we said our goodbye to Jake. It was happiness and fear all at once! I can't tell you how much my husband watched me like a hawk! Or my doctors for that matter! Try bi-weekly visits AND starting at 30wks, I had stress tests and visits TWICE a week till our baby was born! That on TOP of my routine visits. Let's just say the hospital staff knew us by name...even some of the cleaning crew okay! LOL! I did my best to not let that guilt and fear steal our joy. And I'm not gonna lie, until we were discharged, I don't think I had ever let it go 100% until then. So my question was answered..."Yes Kellie, you are capable. No Kellie, it was not your fault."
So here is my thought and point I'm trying to get out...
I will never apologize for speaking from my true heart. Even if it may hurt others. Cause I KNOW that I KNOW, I'm speaking in truth, my hurt or pain is legit, and no one can ever question your feelings. They may not like them, but they are legit. I never speak words with intention of hurting others. I never speak words that are not in all honesty. I would never say something with cruel intentions. And I will learn to not carry the guilt for how others chose to respond. I may regret the way things or situations turn out, but I have learned to let go and let God handle it and sort things through. Eventually all things will fall in place as they should and as He's planned. God is not that bad guy. Though it seems so easy to blame Him, be mad at Him and even curse Him for your pain. Funny is, He expects it, and will still love you when the day is over. I think we often forget who it is that wants to steal our joy...you know...the other guy. And if the enemy tries to steal my joy again, I will not allow it. I will continue to thank the Lord for the life He has given me and the good things that continue to come into our lives. I don't know the full plan, but I know He's got a BIG one! Life is short people. There is no time to waste on old stuff, petty stuff or stuff when compared to what is going in your life now vs. "back then" isn't even important anymore. I have ALWAYS said "Words are cheap, actions speak louder!" So what do your actions say? I pray each day that we ALL will learn this lesson. It is not a road I recommend. If by chance you find yourself on it, just remember that GOD is GOOD...ALL the Time! Let Him carry it for you...it's a weight lifted off of me and now I can breath.
All of this steamed from one little person, one life lesson, one short but HUGE moment in our lives. I cannot wait to make it to Heaven to say "THANK YOU LORD FOR ALL YOU BLESSED ME WITH!" I am waiting for the day to tell this one little guy that he taught me the most important lesson I have learned in life as of yet...
...Thank you baby boy for teaching me to have Faith when I was broken, Strength when you were weak, Joy when they were sad, to Live for every moment with no regrets and to Love even when it hurts!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHFqsKw3HAQ
(Whew....that wiped me out.)
